Same Old Auld Lang Syne

It's like I'm living suspended in green jello? Why green? Just cos. I've taken a break from reality for the past two months, because it was too painful and I couldn't deal with it. So I created an alternative world, an improbable world, a world where none of this mattered, a world where I didn't care, not really; didn't remember, not nearly.

And for a while it was OK. I got to pretend. I got someone to pretend with me. Pretend so realistically that I believed it. Almost. Another place, another time, another world, another reality, another fantasy.

How is it that it's so easy to pick up when someone else gets tired of playing? Is there a nerve ending that's jangled in the ether, like a bell, telling you, OK, it's over, this brief time of make believe. It's time to get on with your real life now.

You know the dust and debris and the overflowing laundry basket and the aging dog stretched out across the room, regarding you lovingly through half-closed eyes. It's time to get on with the backlog of unfinished stories, with all the things you filed away for future reference, not being able to deal with it in the present.

The present has passed.

It's tomorrow now.

So what if it's bleak and dreary?

So what if it's sad and empty?

When has your life been any different when you were not busy pretending?

When?

And so I settle into the jello; it's cool against my skin and I try to weep but I can't because someone took all my tears away and dried it at source and I try to sleep but although my body aches, weary as ever, I'm tense and awake and thinking about pills.

Sleeping pills.

Oblivion.

For one night at least.

Let the screaming voices stay outside for one more night.

Let them occupy another space for one more night.

They crowd around me and I see them without feeling them. But that's OK. I am used to their ghastly faces. I've been looking at them for so long now. It's just that, this once at least, please don't let them place their grubby hands in my chest, and squeeze. Rip out my heart by the cords and dangle it, bruised and bleeding for all to see and laugh over.

Just this once.

Please.