Stalking 101

Things are a little heavy around here...and I never intended it to be. I thought a stalker blog would be a fun thing to do...especially as I'm an accomplished stalker minus the binoculars. Also I don't send my stalkees 14 eyelashes in an enveloped sealed with...well, it's better not to think about it.

I've been thinking of writing rules for stalkers. You know, so we can cease to be so creepy and everyone can just get along. I must say, stalking Mark all these years, and the way he handles it. has helped me create a code of behaviour so that everyone is comfortable, and nobody runs out of buildings screaming...

Actually now I think of it, some of the rules are for stalkers; others are for the stalkees.

1. Treat your stalker with polite distance; be clear where your boundaries are and how much stalking you will tolerate.

2. Memorise your stalkee's schedule; especially if they are a performer...they will appreciate you because performers need support in their gigs, and what better support than their very own stalkers.

3. Remember birthdays and try to give the stalkee something small, thoughtful and not over-the-top. (If you're mortgaging the house to buy it, it's over-the-top)

4. Be content to watch without demanding attention...if you're a pest, well, they'll think you're a pest.

5. Leave straight after the gig. Never stick around. Pretend you have to work the next day. Really have to work the next day. In short, have a life.

6. Try to bring someone else along. If you're alone, it's a little obvious...not that you care, but they might.

7. Memorise conversations, write them down - can be used later for cross-reference purposes.

8. Never join your stalker at a table...attention unsettles them and gives them false hope.


9. Never talk to your stalker for more than 5 minutes, OK, 10 minutes at most. (refer to 8)

10. Above all, exercise discretion...don't turn up for every gig, don't accept every invitation.

11. Identify your stalkee's scent and the source e.g perfume, body odour from countless hours spent in bars surrounded by cigarette smoke and alcohol, then replicate the scent, package it and sell. Gain income from stalking.

Of course, all this only applies if you're stalking Mark. If you decided to stalk someone else, well, you'll have to learn their rules for yourself.

Time and patience, my dears and we can all be good stalkers together.