Friday, April 20, 2012

Other Broken People


His long white hair is caught up in an untidy ponytail. He is sitting hunched at the bar, radiating his rage. I'm too drunk to notice so when Marcel leaves I move over and invite him to join me at my table. Mistake.

He begins by criticising the musicians in tones, increasingly strident, increasingly indignant. "Copies! Copies of American music. Why can't they sing their own? Where is the Asianess in all this."

He's probably right. But I don't want to hear it right now. I'm pickled on three glasses of wine and I don't want to hear this. I just want to enjoy the music, watch the guys having fun on stage, that cool vibe which moves through the room.

But the Composer is livid. And he keeps muttering imprecations, reaching out every once in a while to take my hand and kiss it. And then he starts attacking me. "You, what are you doing here? How many nights a week do you come? What is it you are looking for?"

All valid questions, no doubt. But at the same time, none of his damn business. The set finishes and I run up to the stage. Tell Albert that it's a little uncomfortable, there's a feral Frenchman out there and I want to leave. Albert glances over, cool as a chilled pineapple, and suggests that I sit in front with the musicians.

So I do. But my stuff is still at the other table. I wait and talk to the guys. They're having a good time...it's all very quiet. I guess they are the antithesis of rowdy musicians. They're just doing a job and doing it well. I wonder why the Composer has to pick on them. A little later I see a young (French?)man come up and talk to him. And then I glance over and he's not there. I duck in, get my bag and the bottle of wine Marcel brought me as a present, and duck out again.

Yay. Now I can sit and enjoy the rest of the show without anxiety. I don't need anxiety. I have wine. But he hasn't gone. Not by a long shot. And now, he's even angrier. Whatever he had to be aggrieved about earlier, I have now just added to it by abandoning him. I could hit myself for being so stupid as to invite him to join me. You don't do that. Not here. You sit alone and enjoy the music. That's what people like us do. We don't want to deal with other people's pain. We're too busy avoiding our own.

And then the boys invite Rafique up for a song. Rafique demurs at first, then goes up and plays Michelle. In Thai. He's taking the piss. The rest of us laugh. The Composer bristles. And then the comments, which were only audible if you were sitting next to him, get louder. A lot louder.

He says: "Go home! I didn't come here to listen to you."

He says: "Stop! This is not a karaoke. I came hear to listen to real musicians."

He continues to heckle and Rafique sings another song. The heckling gets louder. Rafique, unfazed, gets off the stage smiling broadly. "There's always one," he says cheerfully. The other musicians look at each other.

Azmi, who's sitting nearest to me, shakes his head. "I see him at No Black Tie all the time. But he's never like this."

I say: "Yeah, I think he's a famous composer. At least, Mark says he is."

The Composer had written his name down for me, but I haven't Googled him yet. And nobody here, looking at this tired, dishevelled, angry, heartbroken old man, can believe that he was great. That actually, he still is.

Albert and Badar take the stage and start playing a series of slow numbers. The Composer staggers towards the stage, climbs up and kneels in front of the conga drums. Both Albert and Badar, who are gentle souls, raise their eyebrows in alarm.

Edmund's had it. The guy already irritated him with the earlier heckling. And now this? "Oi!" he calls out. "Get down from there."

"Cakap baik sikit bang," says Azmi, the peacemaker.

"You act like this, you only deserve an oi," insists Edmund. Then he goes up to the stage and orders the Composer to get off. Like, now!

The Composer pauses befuddled. "This is your stage?" he asks, clearly offended.

"Go help him downlar, the man will fall," says Azmi.

And Edmund, irrirated as he is, does. He goes and offers a hand for the Composer to get off the stage. He is an old man. And he could fall. Although he had no business up there disrupting the musicians in the first place.

They play on and finally Rafique goes up and joins Albert - the two start off with House at Pooh Corner and then go into a series of James Taylor numbers. It is truly beautiful.

But the Composer, his dignity ruffled, stalks out of the bar in high dudgeon. He stops by a table, probably to tell them that he is never coming here again. Never has he been so insulted.

I look at Edmund and sigh. I hate confrontations. I hate all this tension. I ask tentatively whether Edmund knows who the guy is. No, he doesn't know. And he doesn't care. Just some drunk. I say, apparently, he's some famous composer....also a musician.

And Edmund shakes his head vigorously. No way. No musician would do what he did. And then today, taking a break from my interminable story on human resources, I Google the guy. And I find...not only is he famous, he's world famous...not well known in the Anglo Saxon world...but in the rest...his fame stretches from Europe to South America to Africa to the Middle East. He has composed ballets, symphonies, experimented...the list goes on and on...I find pictures of him on the net - he looked younger and handsomer...a man confident, secure in himself.

What happened? How did he morph into that broken man at the bar, heckling the musicians and climbing up on stage, unloved, unlwecome, a nuisance?

He told me, actually.

It was love.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Empty


Mornings, I sleep off
nights of red wine.
Nights, I go
out of my mind.

But my nights remain
empty of you.
My life remains
empty of you,
My heart remains
empty.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachtani?

Sometimes a shower is like a benediction. Little freezing drops of blessing pouring over you, cleansing, clearing, heartening for a new day. I feel I am washing off this whole bad experience of Lent, when I gave up the wrong things and somehow, went wrong.

Meat and alcohol and (sometimes) sweets.

But I didn't give up the rage in my heart or the longing that stirs the blood and drives me crazy.

I didn't give up the madness (because how could I? you need to move through the madness to get to the other side).

I sit here waiting for a phone call to pick up the mother and the brother from Good Friday service.

At long last, Lent has juddered to an end.

Tomorrow, Esther and I go to watch Libera in Singapore. Another obsession (mine, not hers).

It's a birthday treat for her, and I don't know what it is for me. A "Thank God that's over..." kind of treat?

But the stately ships move on
to their haven under the hill
but oh for the touch of a vanished hand
and the sound of a voice that is still.


I believe that people move on, and that they do it successfully without a piece of them caught in the past, infected and rotten.

I have to believe.

I can't take this for very much longer.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Alone

They still ask about you
after all this time
I guess you were
such a fixture
in my life

I made you that fixture
I gave you that knife

And now you're not
here anymore
there's only silence
now I don't know
where to find you
they still ask

And I tell them
I don't know
because when you left
you left me
all alone

When I awoke
when I finally awoke
I couldn't find you
you were gone

and you left me
when you left me
all alone.

So I sit and stare
into space
try and remember
your touch
your voice
your taste

But there's only
the blankness
you left behind
a cancelling out
a void

because when you left me
you left me
all alone.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Blue Ruin

And you take on the dreams of the ones who have slept here
And I'm lost in the window, and I hide in the stairway
And I hang in the curtain, and I sleep in your hat...
And no one brings anything small into a bar around here
They all started out with bad directions
And the girl behind the counter has a tattooed tear
One for every year he's away, she said
Such a crumbling beauty, ah
There's nothing wrong with her that a hundred dollars won't fix
She has that razor sadness that only gets worse
With the clang and the thunder of the Southern Pacific going by
And the clock ticks out like a dripping faucet
till you're full of rag water and bitters and blue ruin
And you spill out over the side to anyone who will listen...

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Sing For Me

I wonder sometimes how I can listen to "Goodnight My Angel" over and over again...how is it that I never got tired of it, that voice, reaching into me, comforting me, in some inexplicable way.

I finally figured out that I was the child being rocked to sleep. I needed to be rocked to sleep, and to feel there was someone out there, watching over my sleep, loving me, someone who's finger I clutch in my baby fist, as I swim through dreamland, reaching out to comb the mermaids' tresses, listening for their songs..."each to each..."

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I know why we're afraid of great literature, why sometimes it bores us to tears, or sometimes we avoid...it opens up those gummed up places inside and for a moment, we see, we see...what the welcoming dark shut out.

We dart our eyes, willing ourselves to look anywhere but...

But we see, anyway. An image emerges, clear and dark and cold. An image emerges that won't be denied.

And I know now, I know...that I died a long time ago...that all this...activity, is nothing more than my corpse hiccuping.

Things have not been real for a long long time.

Sometimes I think the sadness is real, the pain is real...but they're all shadows aren't they?

Just phantoms floating in and out of consciousness.

Just phantoms.

And sometimes I see someone, and I notice how the shadows etch out cheekbones, how the hair falls across his face....and I think, if you kissed me, I would feel something. If you kissed me, you would make me real.

But I don't know who you are. Just a shadowy form. Just a few details. I don't know what your soul tastes like. How it would feel if I inhaled your heart. I don't know what your insides feel like. Whether you have shadows flapping about inside your head.

Like me.

But I'm not normal...living this half life is not normal.

It's enough to get by.

I stare out at the other grey figures around me and wonder how many of them are actually alive.

You're alive.

I know you're alive.

And I want to feed on your life.

Like a zombie.

Like a vampire.

Like a curve of blackness carved out of the air.

I want to feed on your life and I feel guilty for wanting to feed on your life.

And so I avert my eyes. Dart left and right and don't look at you, not in the face, not really so I don't have to see who you really are. So I can imagine you whichever way I want.

So I can turn you into a phantom, a shadow, a half life...so I can have conversations inside my head.

So I can, for a moment, pretend to be real, pretend I know what's it like to feel something.

I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.


But you sing to me. Do you know you're singing to me? Do you see me?

Or am I as invisible to you as I am to me?

Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent